"Lord, I am tired."

A few weeks ago, I woke up at 5am. Normally when this happens I tell myself, "nope" and try going back to sleep. This time, I tried doing that same routine but ended up failing. I thought to myself that this must be "a God thing," so I'd better get out of bed and see why He woke me up at this hour. Selfishness filled my body as I got out of the comfort of my warm bed and turned on the bright light. Immediately I pulled out my Bible, but before turning into the pages I remember having a conversation with God.

"Lord, I'm tired."

"Lord... I am tired of feeling alone."

"Lord... I am tired of not feeling beautiful."

"Lord... I am tired of not desiring you above all."

I was tired of trying to take over the control of my life. Soon, the sleepiness wore off and I found myself crying on my bathroom floor at 5AM - alone. Glamorous, right? I was there alone with my thoughts and temptations... I was forced to see who I really was: broken. Normally, when I feel like crying in a crowd full of people I just quickly go to a bathroom to try to get myself together. I wipe off my makeup smears and try to quickly reapply what was washed away. I always have to give myself a little pep talk, such as "Sam, you can do this," or "Sam, everything will be okay," then I slip back into the room like nothing happened. Most of the time, it's myself trying to encourage me. It's myself wiping away my tears and hurts and not letting God do it instead. I've been stuck in a pit on relying on my own power and not on The Lord's.

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1) "Lord, I am tired."
Yes, we've all at some point mumbled this under our breath as we headed to the library or from leaving a 6 hour shift. I was definitely feeling tired from countless of hours studying, working and still not feeling like I was making a impact through my ministry or physical efforts of trying to lose weight. I was just flat out tired, and I knew it was much more than a physical weariness. Feeling spiritually tired can be even more draining - you feel disconnected and left empty.

2) "Lord, I am tired of feeling alone."
This thought often crosses my mind, especially late at night when I feel my insecurities come out the most. I've felt alone from missing out from hangouts, or even from being with my friends - but more than anything I've felt alone in my temptations. The enemy does this often to all of us - you feel alone in what you're struggling with behind close doors. You tell yourself that you must be the only Christian who struggles with this, and then you're filled with shame. I've often found myself in this pit of shame, and it's left me tired and empty.

3) "Lord... I am tired of not feeling beautiful."
The world tells us one thing, and God tell us another on what the expectations are for beauty. Self image is something I've always struggled with, and now that I'm in college I've been under the curse of comparison. Matt Chandler once said that one of the biggest roots of sin in women is comparison. It's incredibly easy to do and incredibly hard to stop. When I see a girl who loves Jesus so much and is beautiful - instead of feeling encouraged by her my heart is often feeling jealous and empty.

4) "Lord... I am tired of not desiring you above all."

There are times where it's a struggle to open my bible. Where it's a struggle to want to pray and to want to worship. Sometimes you're either so physically tied or so spiritually drained that you are left empty in your desires for God. This was certainly how I felt on that bathroom floor - empty and tired of not desiring God. I was tired of putting other things and people in front of God. I was left empty.

But then God spoke.

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"There is a tendency in each of us to resist the leadership of God, but there is also a tendency in God to chase us. His tendency to chase, to grab us and lead us to where we are to be - that is called grace."

- Ben Stuart

While on my bathroom floor, I felt God's hand on me. I felt so small, but it was only then that I realized how selfish I was being. All of these thoughts of feeling alone, tired and that I wasn't beautiful... they were all thoughts on myself. I was focusing on the things that I felt I lacked instead of focusing on what God has already given me abundantly: grace. 

I was resisting the power and leadership of God by having my hands in fists instead of having them be open to Him.

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When I am weak, both spiritually and physically... He tells me His grace is sufficient for me. (2 Cor 12:9)
When  I feel alone, He tells me that HIS Holy Spirit has been placed inside of me. (Romans 8:11)
When I don't feel beautiful, He tells me no one who fears the Lord lacks no good thing. (Psalm 34:9-10)

When I don't desire God, I am reminded on who He is:

That He brings healing to my flesh  and refreshment to my bones (Proverbs 3:7-8)

That He has set me free from my feelings and from my temptations. I am no longer a slave to sin. (Romans 6:14)

That He loved me enough to die on the cross for me. I am His. (John 1:12-13)

He reminds me of grace, and how that grace is more than enough.


So, I'm sure I may have more early mornings where I cry on my bathroom floor because I am tired and just a mess. Yet, in my weaknesses I know God will be glorified. He will be glorified through me seeing how much I NEED my Savior, and how there is a great need to run to Him. When you're feeling empty, I hope and pray that you will lean on The Lord to fill you. 

There is a worship song by HouseFires that is my favorite, it is called "Come to the River," and this blogpost was inspired by it. Please give it a listen when you can!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKVHGi1iRLE

"Come to the water, all who are thirsty - come and drink.

Come to the table, all who are hungry - come and feast.

Those who are weary, those who are needy - come receive."

Your Friend,

Sam.