For Such A Time As This... (5 weeks in East Asia.)

This was my second time going to the same city in East Asia, and honestly a part of me thought it wouldn't be that bad. I knew I had some understanding of the people, the language, the city and even the ministry there. Yet, God is fast at humbling the proud. After getting off the plane and going into this land, I knew I was entering a place of darkness. Yet, a place I knew He was calling me to.

|| The Lord is quick to humble you when you think you have it all together. He reminds you that He has complete control over all things, (Job 10:12) He gets all the glory (Romans 11:36) and that He is worthy of all our praise from it. (Psalm 96:4) ||

Our main task while we were there was to go to different college campuses throughout the morning, and then meet with students in the afternoon on campus with them. Our time in the morning was spent prayer walking, and this is where our biggest work was done. To be honest, we weren't fully prepared to prayer walk so much. To be really honest, we were set on having the expectation that most of our time would be spent with the students directly and sharing the gospel with them. To do all the "glory" work instead of all the hard work of prayer. Although we did get to spend time with students and share with them, our main harvest work was done while walking and not by speaking. 

This was so hard for me. I'm definitely a people person, so with most of our time being spent praying for them instead of speaking with them -- that was a wake up call for me. We would walk around campus and see everything before us. This is what made it the hardest. I would see women walking at night as they hopped on the back of a random man's motorbike. The children, walking behind their grandparents who were their primary care-taker. The students, who were focused on their study and had no desire to speak about God. I saw girls who felt they were not beautiful enough. Abortion advertisements. Men who were hunting for young girls. Riots. Government police on every block. Buddhas everywhere, along with other earthly things they saw would bring them fortune and luck. As I walked, I often felt spirits that weren't of The Lord. I saw a lot of chaotic things, and each time I prayer walked I was left feeling discouraged and sorrowful from seeing and feeling so much brokenness.

But God... He answered my prayer that He would break my heart for what broke His heart. When I walked around and saw people completely separated from Him - it often left me in tears. I wasn't expecting for Him to have me feel sorrowful and to weep, but there were days where I just wept. I would lock myself in my apartment room and not want to go back out into a world that was broken. I felt weak and too small to be used. Yet, The Lord started to work in my heart. Instead of feeling a earthly sorrow for them without hope, He gave me an eternity sorrow for them that was with hope.  I prayed more than I had ever prayed before this trip, and it led me to have total dependence on God. I understood then that bold prayers honored a bold and powerful God. 

As sorrowful as I was for them, I had to understand that He was more sorrowful for them than I ever could be. His love is better than what I could ever give, and this simple truth is what kept me going on those hard days on the East Asian streets.

As I saw faces, it hit me hard that there is such a time for me to be here. Yet, God didn't need me. He doesn't need us to go and tell others about Him, but He chooses to use us. It brings Him enjoyment. We, little piles of dust, bring The Father - enjoyment. I realized then that I was chosen, I was chosen from salvation (Ephesians 1:3-4) to now chosen to tell others about that salvation. (Acts 26:16-18) 

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For the moments where I was able to share the gospel, I realized these university students were all kinds of soil. Most of them, were soil that had never been touched before. No one had shared with them the gospel, and they didn't want anything to do with God. They felt like they held their own future in their hands and that God had no part of it. They liked to be in control. This was most of the summer, was dealing with hard soil and trying to seek out people of peace. Each day we prayed, and each day I saw God start to answer prayer. Towards the end of our stay there, we saw people with soil that was starting to be fruit. I've had different students tell me when they saw me worship or hear me tell them the gospel - they felt a stirring in their heart they couldn't explain. Suddenly, our summer full of tough soil started to become soil God was growing. I am thankful for the season of hardship, because it taught me only through the power of the Holy Spirit were these souls starting to be awaken. Not by my own power, but through His Spirit that lives inside of me (Romans 8:11)

Ephesians 4:21-24 would be the passage I would use to describe my 5 weeks living overseas. 

"...assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, ²² to put off your old self,^[a] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, ²³ and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

 

I battled with a lot of my selfish desires. My desire to want to be in control. To make myself look better to be accepted more. My flesh showed more on this trip than I think it ever had. I thought I would go to East Asia, and show everyone how righteous I was because of God. Instead, The Lord wrecked me.

He wrecked me of my expectations. 

He wrecked me of my pride. 

He wrecked me of my selfish ambitions. 

He wrecked me, because He loved me.  

This was the hardest summer I went through. Yet, I'm glad I went through it because The Lord was faithful through it all. On the days I felt empty, He taught me I needed to be filled. (Mark 1:35) When I felt ugly, He showed me my identity in Him. (Romans 8:17) And when I felt hopeless, He showed me His power. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

This was the summer of learning that I'm merely just the clay, and He is the molder. Able to change and mold the brokenness we are, for His pleasure and glory. Praise God. 

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Although no one came to know Christ while we were there, I was still able to praise God. It was hard to fight for joy on the days dealing with hard soil - yet God was and is still so good. For the few moments I was able to connect with the students, I was able to see why He placed me there for such a time. My prayer is for all the future teams working with the same and new students there - that they would experience The Lord in such an intimate way that it changes them.

"Tearing through the night, riding on the storm

Staring down the fight, my eyes found Yours

Shining like the sun, striding through my fear

The Prince of Peace met me there

You heard my prayer."

 

 Thanks for reading and supporting me! I appreciate it more than you know.

 - Sam Jimenez

He Wants Your Broken Heart

"I am so thankful for your heart."

I've heard this many different times from many different people. Every time I've heard it, either as I walked down the hallway from church or when a friend met up with me for coffee - I've always been left confused or sometimes angry from their comment. I would think, "surely they don't realize how broken and bruised my heart is? What do they mean?" How could someone be thankful for a heart like mine? A heart that is tempted to constantly hide from God, a heart that is used to finding fulfillment in other things, and a heart that has been through so much heartache that it lost count. I used to think I knew my heart better than anyone, but it wasn't until The Lord worked in me and showed me that He is the only person who truly knows my heart - and even so He still wants it.

The Bible has a lot to say about the heart, and how deceitful it can be and how we shouldn't follow it's desires. The heart is ever changing. I know for myself, my heart can be broken in a instant and left bruised for awhile. My heart can be quick to hold onto grudges, and slow to open up to others. My heart is full of temptation and pride. This doesn't even begin to cover the surface if we are being real.

Yet, I realized two of the most beautiful words in the Bible, had already been applied to my own life:
"But, God..." opened my eyes.
"But, God..." transformed my heart.
"But, God..."  made me new in HIM.

He gave me eyes to see Him, ears to Hear Him and a heart to know Him.

God's word may say things about our heart, but it also says a lot about what God has done in our hearts. When sin entered this world, we didn't need a behavior change - we needed a complete heart change. Our hearts were once hard as rock, but they're now soften with His spirit within us (Romans 8:11). Our hearts have eternity placed in them (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and our hearts have been made new. (Ephesians 1:7) Jesus came to save us from our sin, but also so that we may know Him and accept Him into our hearts. The Holy, perfect and mighty God wants our bruised, broken and little hearts. How humbling is this?

So when someone says, "I am so thankful for your heart," I now know and believe they're talking about all the work The Lord has done in my heart. My heart is constantly being renewed and sanctified, and it is this that produces fruit for others to see. Yet at the same time, my heart is still ever changing with it's feelings and doubts. One thing doesn't change though, and that's Jesus Christ.

Even when our flesh and our hearts fail us, He is our strength and our portion forever. We can have rest in that, knowing that what Christ did on the cross redeems even the biggest pits in our heart.


- Sam

"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. Let Your good spirit lead me on level ground." Psalm 143:10 

"Lord, I am tired."

A few weeks ago, I woke up at 5am. Normally when this happens I tell myself, "nope" and try going back to sleep. This time, I tried doing that same routine but ended up failing. I thought to myself that this must be "a God thing," so I'd better get out of bed and see why He woke me up at this hour. Selfishness filled my body as I got out of the comfort of my warm bed and turned on the bright light. Immediately I pulled out my Bible, but before turning into the pages I remember having a conversation with God.

"Lord, I'm tired."

"Lord... I am tired of feeling alone."

"Lord... I am tired of not feeling beautiful."

"Lord... I am tired of not desiring you above all."

I was tired of trying to take over the control of my life. Soon, the sleepiness wore off and I found myself crying on my bathroom floor at 5AM - alone. Glamorous, right? I was there alone with my thoughts and temptations... I was forced to see who I really was: broken. Normally, when I feel like crying in a crowd full of people I just quickly go to a bathroom to try to get myself together. I wipe off my makeup smears and try to quickly reapply what was washed away. I always have to give myself a little pep talk, such as "Sam, you can do this," or "Sam, everything will be okay," then I slip back into the room like nothing happened. Most of the time, it's myself trying to encourage me. It's myself wiping away my tears and hurts and not letting God do it instead. I've been stuck in a pit on relying on my own power and not on The Lord's.

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1) "Lord, I am tired."
Yes, we've all at some point mumbled this under our breath as we headed to the library or from leaving a 6 hour shift. I was definitely feeling tired from countless of hours studying, working and still not feeling like I was making a impact through my ministry or physical efforts of trying to lose weight. I was just flat out tired, and I knew it was much more than a physical weariness. Feeling spiritually tired can be even more draining - you feel disconnected and left empty.

2) "Lord, I am tired of feeling alone."
This thought often crosses my mind, especially late at night when I feel my insecurities come out the most. I've felt alone from missing out from hangouts, or even from being with my friends - but more than anything I've felt alone in my temptations. The enemy does this often to all of us - you feel alone in what you're struggling with behind close doors. You tell yourself that you must be the only Christian who struggles with this, and then you're filled with shame. I've often found myself in this pit of shame, and it's left me tired and empty.

3) "Lord... I am tired of not feeling beautiful."
The world tells us one thing, and God tell us another on what the expectations are for beauty. Self image is something I've always struggled with, and now that I'm in college I've been under the curse of comparison. Matt Chandler once said that one of the biggest roots of sin in women is comparison. It's incredibly easy to do and incredibly hard to stop. When I see a girl who loves Jesus so much and is beautiful - instead of feeling encouraged by her my heart is often feeling jealous and empty.

4) "Lord... I am tired of not desiring you above all."

There are times where it's a struggle to open my bible. Where it's a struggle to want to pray and to want to worship. Sometimes you're either so physically tied or so spiritually drained that you are left empty in your desires for God. This was certainly how I felt on that bathroom floor - empty and tired of not desiring God. I was tired of putting other things and people in front of God. I was left empty.

But then God spoke.

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"There is a tendency in each of us to resist the leadership of God, but there is also a tendency in God to chase us. His tendency to chase, to grab us and lead us to where we are to be - that is called grace."

- Ben Stuart

While on my bathroom floor, I felt God's hand on me. I felt so small, but it was only then that I realized how selfish I was being. All of these thoughts of feeling alone, tired and that I wasn't beautiful... they were all thoughts on myself. I was focusing on the things that I felt I lacked instead of focusing on what God has already given me abundantly: grace. 

I was resisting the power and leadership of God by having my hands in fists instead of having them be open to Him.

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When I am weak, both spiritually and physically... He tells me His grace is sufficient for me. (2 Cor 12:9)
When  I feel alone, He tells me that HIS Holy Spirit has been placed inside of me. (Romans 8:11)
When I don't feel beautiful, He tells me no one who fears the Lord lacks no good thing. (Psalm 34:9-10)

When I don't desire God, I am reminded on who He is:

That He brings healing to my flesh  and refreshment to my bones (Proverbs 3:7-8)

That He has set me free from my feelings and from my temptations. I am no longer a slave to sin. (Romans 6:14)

That He loved me enough to die on the cross for me. I am His. (John 1:12-13)

He reminds me of grace, and how that grace is more than enough.


So, I'm sure I may have more early mornings where I cry on my bathroom floor because I am tired and just a mess. Yet, in my weaknesses I know God will be glorified. He will be glorified through me seeing how much I NEED my Savior, and how there is a great need to run to Him. When you're feeling empty, I hope and pray that you will lean on The Lord to fill you. 

There is a worship song by HouseFires that is my favorite, it is called "Come to the River," and this blogpost was inspired by it. Please give it a listen when you can!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKVHGi1iRLE

"Come to the water, all who are thirsty - come and drink.

Come to the table, all who are hungry - come and feast.

Those who are weary, those who are needy - come receive."

Your Friend,

Sam.