"On the day I called, You answered me;"

What I'm about to write is a bit difficult for me, but I know that it needs to be shared in hopes to bring glory to God. Before I knew who Christ was, I was battling with depression, panic disorder, and self harm. I had to see multiple counselors as early as elementary school, which then eventually led up to high school. It got to the point where I had to take numerous proscribed medications to help me try to be normal and not mentally-ill. The pills were there to help me sleep, to help with my anxiety, and to help ease my depression that was clinical. Panic attacks were something that I was forced to become familiar with, and I quickly had to master how to deal with them as they came abruptly. There were multiple times where I would have a panic attack even if I was just sitting in a classroom, but thankfully all my teachers were extremely understanding and allowed me to leave the classroom to go calm down in the hallway alone. Having these episodes made me feel stuck in a loop hole of never ending trauma that didn't just affect me physically, but also emotionally. Worst off, I had the feeling that I would never get "fixed." It genuinely made me feel out of control of my own body and mind, and the disease stole all the life and energy I had within me. I was under the impression that I was battling with myself and that this was all my own fault. This led to me only seeing one option left - self harm. I would cut myself on my arms and wrists from 5th grade up until the end of high school. It wasn't until a few years in where my mom found out, and I can still remember her bangs on the bathroom door telling me to put the knife down because she just knew I was about to do it.  This was the day where she made me talk to a therapist, and the day where she would call my dad for a family meeting. Yet, through all the family meetings, trips to the doctors for medication, and visits to therapists... I still felt unsatisfied and was still searching for the one true thing that would save me. The one true thing that would heal me.  At the time, I didn't know it would be Jesus who would save and heal me from something much bigger than my current circumstance and scars. Now I know that even through the darkness that I was in -- He was still pursuing after me with His love and grace that would transform me.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."(John 1:1-5 ESV)

During high school, my heart was harden towards God and I just didn't care about the idea of Him or heaven. My freshman year of HS I had found "the theatre", and this would be my main source of an outlet that would drastically help me with my depression and anxiety. Yet, it wasn't until my senior year of high school where I would became good friends with a few Christians in theatre. I immediately knew that there was something different about them. Yet, besides being attractive to them, I also felt envious of them because I knew all of them had grown up in church and resembled the "perfect" image of a family I've so longed for. I believed that because I didn't grow up in church like them and came from a broken home instead, that it was "too late" for me to get to know who God was. That I was too far deep into the pit of my despair and sin. I had no hope for myself and believed that the whole "God thing," was not for me.  

However, the summer before my freshman year of college I became curious to figure out the truth on who God really was and to see if He really was real. It wasn't until then, that I could feel my heart changing towards God. It was softening, and I was seeking after truth. I was suppose to go to a different college (my dream school), but at the last minute it did not work out financially. After that, I felt stuck and just lost on where I was suppose to be or go. So, after sobbing in my bedroom alone one night: I prayed for the first time. It was awkward, and strange but I cried my heart out and just asked for Him to lead me. A couple of days later, I got a letter in the mail from a different college that I had been thinking about in the back of my mind, and the letter was basically saying how it "wasn't too late" to sign up and that "this could be your new home." Something was telling me that I needed to go to this school instead, and I'm glad I listened to that voice because this would be where I would find Christ.

My first worship and bible study - "WideAwake" with the BSM at UTA. You can see me in the light blue at the back row.

 I followed what I felt was calling me to go to UTA, and once I was settled at my dorm finally (which Lord willing I received the last available dorm, allowing me to attend UTA) - I heard a knock at the door. Unfortunately I was too late to answer, but the person who knocked slipped a flyer under my door to me. I remember reading the flyer and first seeing, "Bible study" on it and immediately felt like this was out of my element and comfort zone. I didn't know anything about the Bible, but something was telling me to just go. So, I forced myself to put on a dress (I assumed I had to look "nice" for this, like church.) and I went to Wide Awake by myself, which seemed really scary to me and I knew I would had to deal with my anxiety. Once I arrived at Wide Awake, I put on a name tag but was too anxious to be around the large groups of people that were outside the theatre where it was held. So naturally I went straight to my seat without talking to anyone or meeting anyone yet, and sat next to people I didn't know who had already been sitting down. Everything about that night was different - I had never been to a worship service before nor had been to a small group to read the Bible. However, when worship was going on, I saw how much everyone loved their God. And even if I didn't know God at the time, I knew that He was loved and praised by them. It was during worship where I felt a sense of peace for the first time, and I started to cry because I felt overwhelmed (a good sense of overwhelmed.) I felt something telling me that this is why I was meant to be here, at this moment. When the director of the BSM (Gary) announced we were going to read the Bible in small groups, my first immediate thought was I was going to be the only person who didn't have a Bible. Once we got into small groups, I met all the leaders who were friendly, loving, and extremely welcoming, so I felt comfortable around them. I didn't know how to read the Bible - literally, so when it came my turn to read a verse, I didn't even know what a verse was. Although, I remember saying that night (as we went around the group talking about where we are with God) that "I didn't know who God was, but one day I'd like to find out."
 

“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” (Romans 10:13)

Myself and Putti! Right after I prayed to receive Christ.

On September 5th of 2013, I was told the gospel for the very first time and accepted Christ that day. It wasn't an act of impulse, but it was something that I knew was the right time for me to do it - I was ready. Not because I had "cleaned myself up," but I was ready to completely and totally surrender my life to Christ, not by anything I've done but because of what He has already done. An intern at the BSM named Putti, whom I had met a few weeks earlier in my small group at Wide Awake, had wanted to meet up with me for lunch. So on this Thursday afternoon we met, and I assumed it would of just been a "Get to know you" type lunch and that was it. However, she begin to ask me a lot of spiritual questions after asking me a lot of basic questions about high school and my family. Putti then asked me if I heard the gospel before, and my immediate reaction was that I wasn't sure what that even meant, because all I knew about the word gospel was from the regular "gospel" music. I felt silly, but I told her I've never heard the gospel before. She then spent about the next hour or so explaining to me the gospel of Jesus Christ, and afterwards she called a response from me. At first, I told her no - I didn't want to accept. I didn't want to accept Christ because I still felt like I wasn't clean enough, and that I didn't know everything about God yet and that I didn't feel ready because I've never read the Bible yet. She then told me the gospel over and over again in different forms, and all of a sudden it just finally started working in my heart. God started working in my heart. All my doubts and insecurities diminished, and all I heard instead was God speaking to me that I was ready. He was knocking, and it was my time to open and receive. I then prayed to received Christ, and it was all by the Grace of God.

"On the day I called, You answered me; You made me bold with strength in my soul. All the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O LORD, When they have heard the words of Your mouth. And they will sing of the ways of the LORD, For great is the glory of the LORD." (Psalms 138:3-5)

 

Since then, God has been changing me and molding me more and more into Him. I've had many struggles as a new believer, and had moments of doubt, confusion and insecurities- yet He was there with me through it all. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm now suddenly perfect - there have been temptations of past struggles and sin, and even giving into those temptations. Yet, He has wrapped me with His everlasting love, and has given me new Godly desires instead of my old fleshly desires. He has replaced my heart of stone and has given me a heart of flesh. He has placed on my heart love for others and to be kind and serve them - something that I would of never had wanted to do on my own, but only through the power of Christ. For "His loving kindness is everlasting." A love that runs deeper than any sin within me - past, present or future.

God had shown me Grace, I want to show people grace. 

God had shown me His love, I wan to show people His love. 

God had told me to GO out onto the nations, I am willing to go. 

Last September of 2014, I felt God calling me in particular to go to East Asia to tell people who He is, and I'm glad I listened because I did end up being able to go, and it was there in East Asia where I found new realizations on who God is while I was telling others. It was there in East Asia where I found where I want to continue serving for years to come- if He wills. (Next blogpost will be about my experiences in East Asia!)

Your Friend,

Sam